All time low

I got a hit on my blog today when someone searched Google's blog search for "passed gas." I'm not sure how I feel about this.

In case you were wondering, this is what they found.

How did you find your mama?

People find me in weird ways.  People have gotten to my blog by doing the following searches:

By searching MSN for 'Ovaltine and OCD.'  I am the 4th entry.
By searching Google for 'corgi elizabeth bite.'  I am the 3rd entry.
By searching Google for 'equate sinus.'  I am the 2nd entry.
By searching Google for 'equate theraflu.'  I am the 1st entry.  (Dude!)
By searching Google for 'allergy sinus left handedness.'  I am the 12th entry.
By searching MSN for 'your mama.'  I am the 13th entry.

I have also gotten hits in the past when people have used the following search words:
1.  Did you mama last night
2.  A1 sauce sick stomach
3.  Brittney Rorie
4.  Chad Rea
5.  Chartreuse

OCD

Ever wonder what someone who is Obsessive Compulsive keeps in their cube? (Don't worry, he didn't buy it all for him. He buys it for our group. All 10 of us.)

1 – Original flavor Trident
1 – Cinnamon Trident
2 – Freshment Trident
4 – Spearmint Trident
9 – Juicy Fruit
15 – Wrigley’s Doublemint
16 – Wrigley’s Winterfresh
21 – Wrigley’s Big Red
25 – Wrigley’s Extra Spearmint
1 – Wrigley’s Extra Wildberry Frost
3 – Wrigley’s Extra Peppermint
3 – Wrigley’s Extra Classic Bubble Flavor
1 – Wrigley’s Extra Cool Watermelon
10 – Wrigley’s Extra Cinnamon
23 – Wrigley’s Extra Winterfresh

NOTE: We now move to packages of gum that have 14 pieces per package rather than 5

3 – Wrigley’s Orbit Cinnamint
3 – Wrigley’s Orbit Wintermint
2 – Wrigley’s Orbit Original Flavor
3 – Wrigley’s Orbit Bubblemint
1 – Wrigley’s Orbit Sweet Mint

NOTE: We now move to packages of gum that have 12 pieces

3 – Wrigley’s Orbit White Peppermint
3 – Wrigley’s Eclipse Cherry Chill
1 – Wrigley’s Eclipse Lemon Burst
2 – Trident Strawberry Fusion

Then we have various pieces of gum: Cotton Candy Bubble Yum, Lightning Lemonade Bubblicious, Super Bubble, etc.

7 packages of Breath Savors Peppermint

4 large boxes of Anti-viral Kleenex
1 small box of Anti-viral Kleenex
1 large box of Puffs Plus

17 fun size packages of peanut M&Ms
7 Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups

Let’s see, there’s also mini Snickers, tootsie rolls, York Peppermint Patties, small Reese’s PB cups, suckers, Starburst, pixie sticks, Nestle Treasures (with caramel, peanut butter, and chocolate crème filling,)Tootsie Roll pops, Dubble Bubble, mini Milky Way, mini Butterfinger Crisps, Sweet Tarts, double chocolate Hershey’s kisses, mini Nestle Crunches, Blow pops, and Cadbury Crème Eggs.

16 bottles of water

4 containers of Chocolate Malt Ovaltine
1 container of Rich Chocolate Ovaltine
1 container of Malt Ovaltine

8 Red Bulls, 2 Sugar Free Red Bulls, ThermaCare Heat Wraps, Paper plates and bowls, Soup, chicken broth, Various flavors of Crystal Light, 2 packages of Ready to Eat Chicken Salad, Stanley 3 Piece Pliers Set, Stanley 10 WayFlexible Screwdriver, Loctite Super Glue, Tweezers, batteries, Mentho-lyptus Halls, Cherry Halls Max, Stanley Tools Utility Hacksaw 10IN.

Tropical Triaminic liquid, Grape Triaminic liquid, Cherry N’ICE lozenges, Cherry Triaminic soft chews, Cherry Triaminic liquid, DayQuil, Sudafed Sinus & Cold, Alavert, Zantac, Gas-X, Sudafed Nasal decongestant, Vivarin, Equate Suphedrine Sinus & Allergy, Oral-B Brush Ups, Alka-Seltzer, Tylenol Allergy Sinus, Tylenol Sinus, Advil Cold and Sinus, Tylenol Sore Throat Liquid, Tavist ND, Benadryl, Tylenol Flu, Theraflu, Sudafed Sinus Headache, Tums, Mylanta, Equate Liquid Antacid, Advil Liqui-gels, Imodium AD, Imodium Advanced, Motrin, Equate Headache Relief (Fake Excedrin), Excedrin Extra Strength, Aleve, Tylenol Extra Strength (2 bottles), Excedrin Migraine, Cortizone 10 Ointment, Cortizone 10 Crème with Aloe, Benadryl Topical Ointment, Equate Triple Antibiotic Ointment, Hyland’s Homeopathic Gas Relief (2 bottles)

Delimma

Sometimes when I cough, people think my cough is actually a sneeze and so they say ‘bless you.’ When that happens, I don’t know what to do. Normally, when I actually DO sneeze and someone says ‘bless you’ I say ‘thank you.’ But if I say ‘thank you’ when someone says ‘bless you’ when I actually coughed, I feel like I’m being deceitful by pretending to have sneezed when I, in fact, coughed. But then if I say ‘That was a cough, not a sneeze,’ then the person feels stupid. Surprisingly, though, I’m more comfortable with making someone look stupid than I am with being deceitful. But usually, I just don’t respond at all, which means that I feel rude for ignoring someone who just attempted to bless me after thinking that I sneezed.

Does that ever happen to you? What do you do?

Another story about Shad

Shad revealed a great secret to me today. You may wonder, if this is such a great secret, why I am now sharing it with you. The reason? It’s real funny. And when something’s funny, it's fair game for public ridicule.

Shad says that his greatest fear is passing gas in public. He claims that there are people who no longer speak to him because he accidentally passed gas in front of them. I told him that was ridiculous and he was just being paranoid. He said that his paranoia is based on his experiences. I said, “No, your paranoia is based on your whacked-out perception of reality.”

In any case, he decided to share with me a story about a guy who accidentally passed gas…

An apocryphal story about Edward de Vere, Earl of Oxford is that he farted while swearing loyalty to Queen Elizabeth I and consequently went into self-imposed exile for seven years. After his return, the Queen was reported to have reassured de Vere: "My Lord, I had quite forgotten the fart." (John Aubrey, Brief Lives)

Find this and other stories about gas at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flatulent.

So my question is this: Can you relate to Shad's fear? Any funny stories to tell?

Lots of boxes

My mom is moving soon. In less than two weeks, in fact. So my friend Shad decided to get her a bunch of boxes to help with the move. And when I say ‘a bunch,’ I mean ‘a bunch.’ 40 medium boxes and 25 small ones. They almost didn’t all fit in my car.

Tomorrow is my mom’s birthday. Shad suggested that I tell that her birthday gift is all the boxes. He says it’s the gift that keeps on giving. Here are the suggested uses of 65 cardboard boxes:

1. For moving
2. For storage
3. For making forts
4. For getting traction in your car when it’s icy
5. For puppies (?)
6. As a helmet in pillow fights
7. As a mat to wipe your feet if you don’t have a rug just inside the door
8. To transport cake
9. To make a fire
10. As a trash can
11. As a dresser drawer
12. To sit on when your car has ripped seats
13. For target practice
14. To kill wasps (I believe an explanation is necessary here. Shad says you can throw the box on it and then stomp on the box. This will prevent you from getting stung.)
15. To trap rogue hamsters and other varmints.
16. To trap just about any small rogue animal.
17. As a dirty clothes hamper.
18. To place under your car to keep your car from dripping on the floor of the garage and creating oil spots.
19. To create another ‘person’ so you can ride in the HOV lane.
20. As an end table, for a person too poor or cheap to buy real furniture. (No offense, anyone, I’ve done this one myself.)

The last bite

I just can’t eat it. I just can’t. In most instances, the thought of eating the last bite of food on the plate makes me sick to my stomach. Usually when I eat, the food tastes really good because I’m hungry, and food just tastes good when you are hungry. But then after I eat a bit, I stop being hungry, so food stops tasting so good. There are some foods that I can eat anyway, like steak with A1 sauce or pancakes from IHOP, but for the most part, once I pass the point of not being hungry, food just doesn’t taste good.

But I don’t like wasting too much food, so I keep eating. But as I get to the end of the meal, I’m SO not hungry that the thought of another bite is downright repulsive. And I don’t mind wasting just the last bite.

So I just threw away the last bite of my lunch. I thought about it for a while before I did it. Somehow I felt guilty. You know, the whole starving children in Africa thing. But then the feeling of nausea won out and I dumped it in the trash.